Stop me if you've heard this one: five major cloud service providers walk into a bar. They make a bet that the one with the best enterprise cloud will get free drinks for life. The bartender tells them he already knows who will win. They are astonished as none of them has yet had a chance to boast about their server specs, cost per gigabyte, network quality, security features, uptime record, support teams, number of data centers, or any other common claim or metric. How can he possibly have predicted the outcome?